Should You Break Up with Dating Apps?

Here’s what happened in a debate about the use of dating apps

Is it time to have that talk with whatever dating app you are using? Is it time to say, “I’ve realized I don’t have the same feelings anymore, so it’s time for us to go our separate ways?” Or perhaps you just want to ghost your dating apps? Either way, dating app usage has been declining since 2021. So, the big question is whether it’s time to break up with dating apps.

That. in fact, was the topic of a debate that occurred at The Comedy Cellar at The Village Underground in New York City on February 5. The debate featured Maria Avgitidis, a matchmaker and CEO of Agape Match, versus Melissa Hobley, Global Chief Marketing Officer at Tinder, moderated by Nayeema Raza, a senior editor and producer at The New York Times. Take a wild guess as to who of the two debaters took which side.

The Arguments Against Dating Apps

Avgitidis argued that dating apps present people with the “paradox of choice”: The seemingly unlimited numbers of matches leads them to make poor decisions. “Because of indecision, superficial characteristics rise to the top,” she stated and gave examples of people filtering for potential matches based on things like height and appearance, which could lead a person to overlook those who would be real matches because of more important stuff like shared values.

Moreover, “people become disposable [because of dating apps],” she asserted. “People treat people terribly.” Dating apps, she said, have resulted in the “gamifying of dating” and people “not really connecting.” Avgitidis pointed to “faux validation,” whereby people rack up matches on dating apps to boost their ego rather than take a real interest in connecting. She warned that a big part of dating on apps is figuring out the algorithms rather than authentic connecting.

The Arguments for Dating Apps

In her counterpoints, Hobley emphasized that dating apps have led to many relationship pairings and read some of the engagement and marriage notes that have resulted from dating app connections. She also asked how many in the audience started a relationship because of a dating app or know someone who has, which elicited a lot of positive “wooooos.” Then there was the bird-in-hand example Hobley provided—former Philadelphia Eagle Jason Kelce meeting his wife, Kylie, on Tinder about a decade ago—to make her argument that “dating apps introduce you to people whom you otherwise would not have met.”

She emphasized the convenience of dating apps. People spending more time alone, given the prevalence of remote work, makes it harder to meet others without a dating app. And, she observed, people often come out as LGBTQ+ on Tinder before they do so in real life, and single moms do not otherwise have the time to meet others. “The phone is the center of our lives now,” Hobley emphasized. “Apps meet you where you are.”

Dating in General Is Hard and Dating Apps Are Businesses

Finally, Hobley presented the dating-is-hard-in-general-don’t blame-apps argument. Putting forth false images, focusing on the wrong things, and being creepy have long been part of any type of dating. Tinder, she noted, has been trying to put in safeguards to mitigate such things.

There was no clear winning argument, and it is not likely that the world is going to abandon all dating apps, despite user frustration and horror stories. Dating apps are typically businesses trying to make money, although Hobley did emphasize that customers are more likely to use products that work.

What Should You Do With Dating Apps

So where does that leave you? If you are currently seeing a dating app or are polyamorous with multiple ones, should you break up with them? Well, surprise, surprise, as with any relationship, the answer isn’t one-size-fits all. You’ve got to figure out what’s the best match for you.

For some, dating apps may be the greatest thing since sliced bread. Perhaps, the circumstances of your life don’t allow you the opportunity or time to meet new people otherwise. Maybe you’re even the type of person favored by the whole dating app algorithm and decision-making process with killer profile pics and really knowing how to market yourself online.

For others, dating apps could be a terrible fit, requiring you to essentially sell yourself online and chit-chat in ways that are not natural for you. While you could get coaching or even AI to help, it could still feel like wearing a sweater vest that’s three sizes too small.

Dating apps may be a waste of time if you do in fact have other more effective means to meet new people. Moreover, dating apps may not help you screen effectively when your criteria are more nuanced than height, race, location, and income. Then there’s the superficial-biases problem, which may affect some more than others. For example, Black women and Asian-American men may fall to the bottom of the desirability list in online dating.

Know Thyself to Know What to Do with Dating Apps

The last thing you want to do is simply what everyone else is doing. The key to all aspects of dating is truly knowing thyself and realizing that your needs, best matches, and path in life may be unique. Treat dating app use like a date itself, learn about each other and whether the two of you are a decent match. If it doesn’t seem to be working out, especially after trying some adjustments, the match may just not be there. Or you may need some time apart to try other dating methods. You could then tell your dating apps something like, “It’s not you, it’s me” when in reality you know it’s them.